the chronicles of boberina

'Pain is the necessary contrast to pleasure; it ushers us into existence or consciousness: it alone is capable of exciting the organs into activity: it is the compassion and the guardian of human life.'


- From The Hand, Its Mechanism And Vital Endowments As Evincing Design, by Sir Charles Bell

What if the pain haunts u all the time though? I know i am such a pessimist. But its just been the general mood of the day.

I need more space on my own. So i have planned to just do my work and spend less time with the bf. I know it sounds so mean to him, but i need the space rite nw. Like meeting him today was such a bad idea cos we were arguing from start to the end. And somehow i don feel so comfy with the idea of gg over to his place. I think i am gonna slowly put an end to that once i move over to my new place as well, cos then i can tell him that i have to take care of sean.

And today he asked me abt my blog. It seems he likes reading it. I felt so bad lying to him but he wont understand if i tell him i need a template to pen my private thoughts. He will just ask me why i am doing it on the net then. It sounds silly, but rite nw i can't afford to have a diary, cos my stuff's all over the place in wlands. This blog will def see less private entries when i make the transition to the new place for sure. I don really fancy the idea of blogging as well, esp as a medium to release my mental anguish and pen my private moments. Vinod wldnt get all this. He wld also ask me why i am not sharing stuff with him instead. Sometimes he doesn't get wat he does and i am too tired to point it out to him too, cos i am too afraid of a confrontation. I absolutely abhor fighting with him but sometimes he just doesnt give me enough space and time to cool down after we fight. He expects me to switch my emotions in less than a second, and i am one person who hates acting. And i have to say i have tried and have only felt more like a hypocrite than anything else. But as i have said i don think vinod wld understand all this. Or at least he hasn't come across to me as a person who will listen to what i have to say or wat i have to bitch abt or whom i cld share my innermost thoughts with. I know it sucks that i can't do all this with my bf, but the truth is i love him. Maybe it will just take time for me to gain my trust in him. After all i have never been one to share stuff with others very easily, esp my more sentimental side. Ppl always think i am so cold and stone-hearted but deep within i am not and i know it. I just put up a front to mask it all. But vinod only hurls vulgarities at me when he sees that front. He doesn't seem to realise that behind all that is a person who is so very hurt and just ready to fall, and depending on him to understand wat i am gg through without even having to tell him so. Someone who wants him to love her selfishly. Someone who when he says everything will be alright, she can smile and know that its true, cos its just so easy to seek refuge in his words.

I wish that time wld come soon though. I hate ignoring him. And i abhor all the times i have hurt him. i wish i could take away your hurt. But i am the source of your hurt and i am too selfish to take myself away from you cos i know i can't do without you.

bac to work now...