the chronicles of boberina

I had such a lovely talk with my mum today, through which i realised i learnt alot of things about her and therefore, me as well. Cos i often tend to think of myself as a reflection of her. It might sound like blasphemy to all those psychiatrists out there but yeah whatever...SO anyway u know how i don remember much of my childhood and i often saw it as a consequence of a rather troubled past. Well i realised that maybe its just cos of the person i am. Trying to make the world seem like the most pleasant place, like there's no troubles at all, and like everyone's happy. But honestly, i have been living a deluded life. Which so many people have pointed out, and esp Vinod. I never understood wat he meant whenever he said "Stop thinking straight!!" Now i get it. I honestly hate to see life the way it is. COs i am too afraid to handle it, life with its confrontations, unhappiness, anger, frustration, vulgarities. I just can't handle them. But now i think i have to learn how to step out of my comfort zone. Confront life like it is. Stand up and look at people when i walk past them, instead of stoning or looking at the floor when walking. Question when i have questions, and i need answers. Learn lessons by observing and interacting with others. I should stop living in a little cocoon of my own cos thats know how any one of us are engineered to live.

Besides that, i have also learnt that there are so many things i cld learn from my mum. As a consequence of having most of my childhood blurred in my memories, i haven't realised how many lessons my mum has taught me. And how many i have started to completely disregard as a result of being a snob and believing that i know best. As long as the fact that i have so much to learn from all the good and bad people around me..like Vinod for instance. He's only 2 years older than me, but he's far more wise than i can ever be. I am still such a child in the way i think and react, and i want to make a change. I know i am always trying to do this self-bettering this. but really, i feel like such an ignorant ass who's been so self-absorbed and wrapped up in her own life that she's had no time to reflect on the important things, to observe and learn from others. Like today, i learnt from my mum that as long as you do the right things, and are true to your beliefs (that have to be based on something firm), you can stand up for yourself. I don think i am at that stage as yet where i can stand up for my beliefs cos i don have such firm beliefs as yet. I need to solidify my character, stop being so ditzy and wavering between options all the time. i should know wat my principles are and stick with them, no matter wat happens. And for that i need to really think and be sure about them.

I also learnt that pride and honour is that which should make me. I should learn to live with pride and for pride. Many live with pride, but not for pride. That's when they do things that they regret, or are easily influenced by others. Cos they don know how impt the image that u project of yourself is. As vinod said yest, respect has to be earned. It just can't be given like that. That's so true. Honestly, if i met myself, i don think i would respect myself. cos i would only see myself as a super blur person who doesnt know wat she wants out of her own life, besides the shallow, superficial things. And i just want to change that.

So from today onwards...i am gonna look at you in the eye when i talk to you, when i walk past you, when i sit on the train seat opposite you. No matter who you are. I am gonna sit upright and think about what i really want out of my life. What i want to see myself become. What kind of principles i want to stand for, which others too will learn to recognise me by. I want to earn a name for myself. Not be ashamed of myself when i walk out of my house. And always do the right thing. And lastly, but prob most importantly, never ever get angry in an instant. Always remain calm and think before speaking. I don want to use anger as an excuse for wat i say. Every word i say should be accounted for.