1.16.2006
the unburdening
i have decided to make a change to my blog. Cos i am feeling very insecure about letting others read my private thoughts and musings. Especially since that insecurity itself defeats the very purpose for which i set up the blog, which was to unburden my emotions. I have now realised that the more people there are reading my blog, the more difficult i find to write openly on this blog.
So anyway i have been feeling very troubled the past few days. I am not sure if its cos i am feeling increasingly insecure about myself (stemming from my absolutely low self-esteem) or if its just cos the bf keeps criticizing everything abt me. Like the other day, he decided to tell me to change my fashion sense. It was just the way he put it. Like he's so sick of seeing me in the same clothes. But when i told him that it was insulting to hear him say that, he got all defensive and said that next time, he won bother telling me anything to do with the way i dress. The worst part was when he started pointing out gals who in his eyes have a good sense of fashion. Then, he tells me to emulate their choice of clothing. I mean fashion is something thats very personal to a gal, and i am very proud of the way i dress and stuff. So i esp did not like it when he compared me to random gals on the street or even to my best friend. He told me to dress more like her in front of her. I mean the HORROR OF HORRORS!! How very, very insulting is that!!
And he constantly goes on about how other gals are hot. It's rather pissing off to see him going goo goo ga-ga over some of them. I mean yeah some of them are real hot. But somehow he always goes over the limit in terms of praising them. Then when i get mildly irritated, he scolds me for being envious or petty. I mean hello! This is your gf here...there was even once when he openly started talking about this gal's butt to me and how her bum moves well when she walks. GOD! Isn't there a limit to what you say to your gf? And sometimes it feels like he's purposely trying to irritate me. Oh and haf i mentioned that his all-time fave pasttime is checking out friendster profiles of other gals on the net. I guess he's not cheating on me. But won any gal in my shoes be irritated with such behaviour on her bf's part.
OOh and haf i mentioned all the times when he just openly insults me...for every single thing. I am not sure what he thinks of me really. Like yest, he started telling me how i am a real bad sis in front of Hana during dinner, and then he compares me to him to make himself look good. And when hana was saying something abt how first-borns tend to be bullies, and when i protested that i am not (which those who know me will vehemently agree to), he said that i am just too damn defensive. FUCK! I am not defensive...i REALLY am not a bully. Never been one, and never will be one. This is just one example of how he tends to view me in a negative light. Later, he goes on to say that going out with me was the greatest mistake he's made and that maybe he shld have gone out with others. I knew he was joking, but at the same time these are not things u say in front of my friend, esp my best friend. I mean if ya see yourself as an entertainer, please don do it at my expense. And it's not a joke, cos neither hana and i were laughing when he said that. And the worst part was he knew that it irritated me even b4 he said it, cos rite after saying it HE complains to hana that i am gonna argue with him after that over this. Trust me man, i am so sick of arguing with you. You really do a very good job of annoying me, and yest you were at your most formidable.
Eventhough i was not feeling well yest, he din show an iota of concern at all. And he's the one who's always complaining that i don take care of him enough. Then he compares me to his mum. Really, you shldn ask for much considering what a good job ya did yest. He even wanted me to see myself home so he cld go home and play his comp games. Really. i have to say my bf is resembling more and more of a jerk.
I mean there are times when he's really loving. But somehow these events really stick in my head and really trouble me. Which is why i have decided to see less of him and stop gg over to his place. Cos its just way too convenient for him to bully me that way. If i have to i will go over on weekends, but thats it. I have so had enough of gg back late every night just cos he wants me to go over to his place. Heck, i have got school work to do too. He never thinks abt all that, os its time i start thinking for myself, instead of trying to please him.
And yeah i will change the way i dress. But its so not for you. IT's for me to feel gd abt myself. I will dress the way i wanna dress. PLease don compare me to others, co si abhor being compared, scrutinized and criticized every single second i spend with you. It's time i took time off from you, just so i can get my own space. I realise he's been smothering me and really stopping me from being who i really am which i absolutely hate. i mean of course i love spending time with him, but these days tt leads to more fights than anything else so some time spent apart will do good for me.
Also, next time, i have to make a mental note of meeting my gf's on my own cos he is always out to embarrass me when we all go out tgthr. I don see why he doesnt realise the mistake in that, or that i have never done that to him.
I am just so mad at him i am glad i typed out this entry. As for today, i cldn go to school cos i am not feeling well and though my bf knows abt this, he hasnt even bothered to call to check up on me. But i guess i expected him to not care as usual. He seems to need me when he's down only, not when i am. It's time i focus more on law than on him cos there's no point wasting my time devoting most of it on a relationship that is only giving me more and more stress and hurt each day. This time-off from him will do me alot of gd for sure. But i know if i tell him my actual reasons for doing so, he will get mad at me. So i am just gonna say i have to study (which is the truth anyway).
TO start it off, later i will only be meeting him for dinner with dad then i will go bac straight after that. He needs to learn hw to appreciate me more, though he thinks he does a very fine job of that. i think thats a load of crap though. For one, i don feel very appreciated.
Need to go see the doc too. And these are a list of things i have to do for the rest of the week:
1. LAWR research
2. LAWR first draft for assignment (read Neumann b4 tt)
3. Finish up all my legal theory readings, use reading guide to help
4. CRIM law readings for today and fri's session
5. Contract law - do discharge tutorial (b4 tt read McK and all the cases required)
6. Shopping!! - Heeren, Suntec, Bugis
7. Renew PDL
8. Book TP
9. Move into new place
10.organise files on lappie
So anyway i have been feeling very troubled the past few days. I am not sure if its cos i am feeling increasingly insecure about myself (stemming from my absolutely low self-esteem) or if its just cos the bf keeps criticizing everything abt me. Like the other day, he decided to tell me to change my fashion sense. It was just the way he put it. Like he's so sick of seeing me in the same clothes. But when i told him that it was insulting to hear him say that, he got all defensive and said that next time, he won bother telling me anything to do with the way i dress. The worst part was when he started pointing out gals who in his eyes have a good sense of fashion. Then, he tells me to emulate their choice of clothing. I mean fashion is something thats very personal to a gal, and i am very proud of the way i dress and stuff. So i esp did not like it when he compared me to random gals on the street or even to my best friend. He told me to dress more like her in front of her. I mean the HORROR OF HORRORS!! How very, very insulting is that!!
And he constantly goes on about how other gals are hot. It's rather pissing off to see him going goo goo ga-ga over some of them. I mean yeah some of them are real hot. But somehow he always goes over the limit in terms of praising them. Then when i get mildly irritated, he scolds me for being envious or petty. I mean hello! This is your gf here...there was even once when he openly started talking about this gal's butt to me and how her bum moves well when she walks. GOD! Isn't there a limit to what you say to your gf? And sometimes it feels like he's purposely trying to irritate me. Oh and haf i mentioned that his all-time fave pasttime is checking out friendster profiles of other gals on the net. I guess he's not cheating on me. But won any gal in my shoes be irritated with such behaviour on her bf's part.
OOh and haf i mentioned all the times when he just openly insults me...for every single thing. I am not sure what he thinks of me really. Like yest, he started telling me how i am a real bad sis in front of Hana during dinner, and then he compares me to him to make himself look good. And when hana was saying something abt how first-borns tend to be bullies, and when i protested that i am not (which those who know me will vehemently agree to), he said that i am just too damn defensive. FUCK! I am not defensive...i REALLY am not a bully. Never been one, and never will be one. This is just one example of how he tends to view me in a negative light. Later, he goes on to say that going out with me was the greatest mistake he's made and that maybe he shld have gone out with others. I knew he was joking, but at the same time these are not things u say in front of my friend, esp my best friend. I mean if ya see yourself as an entertainer, please don do it at my expense. And it's not a joke, cos neither hana and i were laughing when he said that. And the worst part was he knew that it irritated me even b4 he said it, cos rite after saying it HE complains to hana that i am gonna argue with him after that over this. Trust me man, i am so sick of arguing with you. You really do a very good job of annoying me, and yest you were at your most formidable.
Eventhough i was not feeling well yest, he din show an iota of concern at all. And he's the one who's always complaining that i don take care of him enough. Then he compares me to his mum. Really, you shldn ask for much considering what a good job ya did yest. He even wanted me to see myself home so he cld go home and play his comp games. Really. i have to say my bf is resembling more and more of a jerk.
I mean there are times when he's really loving. But somehow these events really stick in my head and really trouble me. Which is why i have decided to see less of him and stop gg over to his place. Cos its just way too convenient for him to bully me that way. If i have to i will go over on weekends, but thats it. I have so had enough of gg back late every night just cos he wants me to go over to his place. Heck, i have got school work to do too. He never thinks abt all that, os its time i start thinking for myself, instead of trying to please him.
And yeah i will change the way i dress. But its so not for you. IT's for me to feel gd abt myself. I will dress the way i wanna dress. PLease don compare me to others, co si abhor being compared, scrutinized and criticized every single second i spend with you. It's time i took time off from you, just so i can get my own space. I realise he's been smothering me and really stopping me from being who i really am which i absolutely hate. i mean of course i love spending time with him, but these days tt leads to more fights than anything else so some time spent apart will do good for me.
Also, next time, i have to make a mental note of meeting my gf's on my own cos he is always out to embarrass me when we all go out tgthr. I don see why he doesnt realise the mistake in that, or that i have never done that to him.
I am just so mad at him i am glad i typed out this entry. As for today, i cldn go to school cos i am not feeling well and though my bf knows abt this, he hasnt even bothered to call to check up on me. But i guess i expected him to not care as usual. He seems to need me when he's down only, not when i am. It's time i focus more on law than on him cos there's no point wasting my time devoting most of it on a relationship that is only giving me more and more stress and hurt each day. This time-off from him will do me alot of gd for sure. But i know if i tell him my actual reasons for doing so, he will get mad at me. So i am just gonna say i have to study (which is the truth anyway).
TO start it off, later i will only be meeting him for dinner with dad then i will go bac straight after that. He needs to learn hw to appreciate me more, though he thinks he does a very fine job of that. i think thats a load of crap though. For one, i don feel very appreciated.
Need to go see the doc too. And these are a list of things i have to do for the rest of the week:
1. LAWR research
2. LAWR first draft for assignment (read Neumann b4 tt)
3. Finish up all my legal theory readings, use reading guide to help
4. CRIM law readings for today and fri's session
5. Contract law - do discharge tutorial (b4 tt read McK and all the cases required)
6. Shopping!! - Heeren, Suntec, Bugis
7. Renew PDL
8. Book TP
9. Move into new place
10.organise files on lappie
// posted by the silence is broken @ 5:46 PM 
